Damn it all, I knew it was going too well...

[graculus]

So, I may be about to quit my job.

The re-education, that seemed to be going well, has hit a bit of a snag. My boss is probably capering about as we speak, having had feedback about something that backs up her view that I am A Problem That Must Be Fixed. My tolerance for all this shit wasn't great in the first place and so I appear to be rapidly heading towards either redeployment or quitting (watch this space, we're formally meeting two weeks today!) and I've never been convinced that this wasn't all just a long and drawn-out way of getting shot of me anyway...

Frankly, I'm tired of being upset and stressed all the time, which has been a significant aspect of my life since I got this job and only got worse this year when the system for how our work is handled got ruined updated. I've been in tears more this year than the rest of my life put together and most of it is due, directly or indirectly, to my current boss. She was all 'oh, but you have so many positive qualities' when also kicking me in the head yesterday, so we'll see if there are other options in-house or whether (as I suspect) my card was marked a while back.

Life's too short for me to put up with this shit. Frankly, I should have quit in the summer when I was moments away from telling her to shove the job up her arse sideways...

Comments

[rivier.livejournal.com]

Seconding this very much. There are some bosses who can simply screw with your stress levels and ability to cope, in ways that have nothing at all to do with how tough any specific job is or even how tough they are. It's just that awful roll of the dice that puts someone who takes against you into a position in your life where they have the scope and ability to do you harm, rather than a situation where you could get away from any other would-be bully. We can put up with more stressful roles and more vexing people too, sometimes, just because we're in a better place mentally or physically even.

I had one boss, years ago, who flipped a very pressured job that I'd been enjoying and thriving with under her predecessor, into a literal nightmare. I unravelled in a way that had never happened to me before. I ended up going to see my GP to ask whether I needed to be checked up because I was having these weird symptoms, like crying at work again and again from the most trivial hassles, couldn't sleep, couldn't stop fretting about everything.... and then hilariously I basically broke down in his surgery while trying to describe it all and tralalala, clinical depression - which I hadn't actually thought of because I wasn't *depressed*, I was just wretched and stressed and fucking riddled with anxiety all the time because of this boss and her softly-spoken psycho nutjob piece of work undermining me day in day out. And because my own brain chemistry wasn't, at that point in my life, able to deal with her.

That's very long-winded, sorry! Codeine time here again. From being diagnosed I had a bit of time off work (not much: I was on a Bill team and actually didn't want to fuck things up for the timetable there, as stupid as it seems) and got prescribed SSRIs and HR were suddenly very helpful about getting me quickly transferred into another area. What you describe sounds like all the shit I remember, including how it's affecting you mentally/emotionally, and I agree you definitely should try to see your GP and just discuss how you've been. The crying is way out of character for you and I don't think you should be forced into a 'flight' mode because she's abusing her professional responsibility to be a positive part of the working partnership between employee and manager. And idk if you have much of an HR function left where you are - ours in the Department has been slashed to almost no-one - but I also think you should maybe think of going on the attack to the extent of formally recording what your relationship with her has been like, the ways she has undermined you and the impact this is having on you. Even if you ultimately walk away, what she's doing shouldn't stay off the record.

I'm also very happy to chat if you want another ear to bend - let me know.

[graculus.livejournal.com]

Found out the other day that the work coming in the front door has gone up about 85% since our new system was put in place, with (of course) no increase in resources to deal with it. I've been very much in 'survival mode' and that has affected everything I've done since then, my mood included.

Unfortunately, while my boss has been able to turn a blind eye to my impending breakdown, she's not done anything stupid enough that I can point it out with any degree of ease, it's been more like a steady chipping away at my confidence in dealing with anything. As for HR, they can barely cope with the concept of dealing with job applications, so I have no hope of support there. My boss may be crap at many things but she's significantly better at looking like she's toeing the line than I am, that's for certain.

Anyway, thanks for the support, good to see you're still around as I was wondering... ;)